Get all 383 Middle-Man Records releases available on Bandcamp and save 90%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Episode 199: Ben Kraco (Depiction of Man), Episode 198: Tracy Wilson (Outer World, Dahlia Seed), Episode 197: Josh McIntyre (Malevich), Episode 196: Ben Rudolph (Stress Positions, C.H.E.W.), Komarov, Episode 195: Lacey Jade (theyhungusfrompowerlines), Episode 194: Lark S. (Rotting In Dirt, Barrow), Episode 193: Pete Zetlan (Sinaloa), and 375 more.
1. |
Retreat
01:22
|
|||
|
Randall:
Was I worth the save? The life i’ve wasted, loved ones I couldn’t face.
“Where were you from” Where were you at” “Did it hurt?” “We’re so glad you’re back”
I’m fucking tired: Climbing out of bed, of out this bottle, climbing out of debt. Climbing out this pile of shit I fell in. Been on an incline since the fucking hospital bed. I’m tired of being on the mend.
So, let me go; I’ll steal my dad’s Astro and pawn everything that isn’t nailed down. I’ll shut everyone out ( pretend to have the strength to do it right this time)
But I’m sweating in the pre-dawn, every cough a shotgun blast. Every gasp. Rattles the ribcage. A New Day: add up all your good-boy points and come up short. Another day of wondering what the fuck all this is for.
Shawn:
dried blood binds my arms to these sheets. another day and i find no peace amidst the whir of these machines. who's going to pay for this? my body is already paid in full. they said they could save me. i thought i was saving myself from another day, another lie, and from the rest of this lifetime pretending all this was fine
|
||||
2. |
Time Served
01:55
|
|||
|
Randall:
They think they know who you are
“Gang banger” \“young thug” with a bad heart
“Put your fucking hands on top of the cop car.
You may not have warrants but that kid don’t look like you”
And even at 5 years old I knew
They could take away my Dad
A lifetime of conversations on opposites of glass.
No lawyer would keep this family whole
Or take back the memories that they stole.
There’s bitter kids all over the hood
Damaged with loss b/c a “Good Guy with a gun”
Deported his mom or shot his pops.
Slowly pulling away everything they’ve got
I’ve never met anyone who wanted so badly to be hated.
Shawn:
how can we live in a world where this happens day by day. you're not the only one who took an oath to serve and protect. our families, our loved ones? we'd do anything to keep them safe. you think that badge gives you the right to act with impunity but the people have spoken and you're guilty on all accounts
|
||||
3. |
Phyrric Victory
02:14
|
|||
|
Randall:
What’s a nickel in the klink? My nino’s done a dime. I been in county lock up. It ain’t so bad with short enough time. Wish you’d let me hurt him, take back what he took from you I don’t understand the way you live. Why are you defending him? Is this just the way it is? But I’ll back off. You need me more than you need revenge. I hope you realize, you deserve better friends. Just know I would have done the jail time for you.
Shawn:
another day. another bruise. another excuse. you can't stay here but you can't leave. i know what it's like to feel powerless but if i'm this afraid i have no idea what you must feel. you don't have to go through this alone. i'm going to give you time. i'm going to give you space. i just hope you're ready before it's too late. i get that it's all you know. i just want you to know better.
|
||||
4. |
Rout
02:14
|
|||
|
Randall:
You really have to want to hurt the family you love
You think it really hurts enough?
Could you be that selfish?
To act on this resentment?
Keep it coiled for their sake
But I earned this I deserve this
And it’s mine.
I’ve got the bad shit you can’t take out
I’ve got the bad shit you can’t fix
Maybe you can’t fix anything
Maybe you just thrive in spite of yourself.
Sometimes not drowning is just enough
And that is the hardest part.
Shawn:
take one look around and bury this pain deep inside yourself. you don't get to know what it's like to escape. you forfeit that option the day this began. i never asked you to be here. i never asked for your love. i surely never deserved it. i hope in return, mine is enough
|
||||
5. |
Priority
03:05
|
|||
|
Randall:
You took the polaroid when my nose was bleeding
From missing all the signs I was misreading
You got a towel or something? I mean,
It’s fucking up the carpet. Nvm just keep the picture
Don’t think I want to remember this.
Give me the one - if you think it means something -
Of that time I counted the hairs on your stomach.
Do you want anything of mine?
Negotiations could take months.
Drown me in your color
Cut me into your confetti
I want to rain on you.
If you loved me you would have killed me
Turn my skin into a nice coat
So I could be with you wherever you go.
Shawn:
this was our moment. captured in cellulose. forced to fit this frame. burned to film with light. all the things we could ever be are two dimensional now. all the things we could ever be are in this closet collecting dust. a part of me forever, lost in this exchange. it means more to you than it ever did to me. i can be dismantled. you can take me with you.
|
||||
6. |
Sortie
02:17
|
|||
|
Randall:
Moving product til I’m sore in the neck
Burn my hands - singed with regret
Say hey, Bossman say hey, whens the shift end?
“It ends when you’re dead”
“Can you work overtime this weekend?”
Join a union - call out sick
Still can’t win
Even fridays feel like shit
Get a degree, go to therapy
Still can’t win
Go broke making art
Give your away your heart
Still can’t win
Get drunk Get sober
Feel like shit
I can’t even afford the fucking room I’m in.
Tired of running and being found
No rest til you're in the ground.
Shawn:
this half dead broken vessel on parade through this factory floor. the blue mucous binds the burlap fibers and weaves them into my lungs. breathe it in. breathe it out. and the rest writes itself. i could fall to pieces right on this concrete. it wouldn't even matter. they'll get every piece of me in time. it won't even matter. change the names of the things we barter with. change the game all you like, you still can't win
|
||||
7. |
Parry (Prime)
01:57
|
|||
|
Randall:
These songs aren’t anthems
Won’t make the bad parts shine clean
May not ever reach your ear, may not leave the inside of me
These words are distractions from the snake in my gut
Ready to unfurl.
No sweeping grand gestures. No shattering revelations.
Just a person spending a Saturday in bed
Trying to appreciate the fact that they are still not dead
Love like you know what the word means.
What else is there for you to do.
You say it’s real now like it wasn’t real before
These have always been the stakes
Life and death on the edge of the grave
Shawn:
the hesitation that comes before saying these things that inevitably fall on deaf ears. this distraction, built to fail you. leave you as hollow as everything else. i never meant to let it build up like this. just leave it (like i can't leave well enough alone) i let it grow so large it could choke me. it wraps it's hands around my throat and it's winning
|
||||
8. |
Destreza
02:44
|
|||
|
Shawn:
lying here with my thoughts. so far from you. your hand reaches out but i am already gone. i owe you so much that i can never repay. this distance that we feel here and now is everything we could have been here in this life. if it all ends right now, can you tell me: was it worth it? these traces that we leave of ourselves are barely fingerprints in the end
|
||||
9. |
Envelope
01:56
|
|||
|
Randall:
Guy with a sword over there!
Slime!- up in the tree
Death! Poison breath!
Grab the salt we’re so close
So. Close.
I won’t forget you. I’ll look for you.
Make sure you stay safe.
Hope you know what it means to me to not feel alone.
Up in the sky! Dragon up high!
We’ll do this together.
Shawn:
listen, we've come a long way from those crossroads we had to drag ourselves through. and if i've learned anything, it's that they were just a checkpoint for the horrors up ahead. return here. back to the sanctuary. may the old gods preserve us like they never have. like they never will. it's always been in our hands. no one gets left behind. we're going back for what you've lost. tell me. tell me what you need to grow
|
||||
10. |
Parry (Septime)
01:48
|
|||
|
Randall:
Haven’t seen you now in 6, 7, 8 or 9 months.
Worried about how we left things.
Believe me, I’d have been there had I not been struggling myself
Sorry I wasn’t there for you then and sorry I’m not there now.
Maybe we’re just better friends when we’re both not so depressed.
You’ll have to let go and say goodbye
Never ask the reasons why
Watch us get older and bitter
It’s not that I hate you now it’s just that things feel better
When you’re not around.
I don’t hate you now - it just feels better when you’re not around
And we’re not together
Shawn:
i needed someone to trust. not someone that needed me. and i'm sorry. i'm trying to find a place to settle in. let these wounds heal and prepare for the new ones. where is the device that measures our intentions and where they land?
|
||||
11. |
Lunge
02:12
|
|||
|
Randall:
Our sorrows carved from cave walls to chew
We’ll behead the king, disband the state and start anew
Like the bitter was never spewed
Like our bodies never poisoned.
Spit out our sins
Carve this jubilee into our trees.
I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known
And I loved them all. I love all my friends.
I won’t spit another drop.
Redeem this sin with every hard victory fought.
Shawn:
backing away so i can come back full force. this dark hole i'm sinking into is not because i'm afraid of the world. it's made me afraid of what i might become. i drowned myself so i could be back when you're ready to hand out second chances
|
||||
12. |
Advance
02:13
|
|||
|
Randall:
Still can’t sleep at night. Even gave those breathing exercises a try.
But the weight still sticks to my ribs. I’ve been in recovery
Since I can’t remember when.
Taking stock and making time.
Cut back on all my drinking
Going back to where I’m wanted
Going back to the people who love me
Getting back to what was me
I am trying - the least you could say
Be patient please while i settle into place.
Shawn:
15 lbs of glass: an attempt to weigh me down. i can't remember the last time i slept through the night. now, lying there at the mercy of anxieties running free. give me something. i'll take whatever i can get. give me anything. anything is better than this. 15 lbs of glass, doing nothing for me. i've given up on ever sleeping through the night
|
||||
If you like En Garde, you may also like:
Envy/Love
by Zegema Beach Records
supported by 18 fans who also own “En Garde”
go to album
supported by 18 fans who also own “En Garde”
go to album
supported by 17 fans who also own “En Garde”
Sleeper Waver are simply mind blowing. Not possible for me to pick a track here and was actually dreaming about a collection of their work which Larry makes come true. Can't wait for this beautiful tape to come out.
go to album
Artificial Bouquet
by Frail Body
New on Deathwish, explosive screamo from this Illinois band, full of scalding riffs and searing vocals.
go to album
Derramar | Querer | Borrar
by MASSA NERA
Massa Nera makes '00s-style screamo that strikes a balance between delicate intricacy and heavy passion.
go to album
Ataraxy
by Sadness / To Be Gentle
Atmospheric black metal band Sadness and experimental screamo band To Be Gentle channel intense emotions on this split single.
go to album
"Desolate Hands Move The Hour" 4-way split (10")
by Zegema Beach Records
supported by 17 fans who also own “En Garde”
Really pushing the envelope of skramz. So good.
go to album
