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Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Episode 200: Edie Quinn w guest host Elias Amini, Demo MMXXIV, Episode 199: Ben Kraco (Depiction of Man), Episode 198: Tracy Wilson (Outer World, Dahlia Seed), Episode 197: Josh McIntyre (Malevich), Episode 196: Ben Rudolph (Stress Positions, C.H.E.W.), Komarov, Episode 195: Lacey Jade (theyhungusfrompowerlines), and 377 more.
1. |
May 22nd
02:34
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Summer goes by so fast when you needed it to last. I faced my fears with my eyes wide open. Saw things there I never knew I needed to fix. Things didn't change. Time does nothing but move away. Lost all those years to those eyes glazed over. Never knew I was capable of feeling like this.
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2. |
These Waves
02:23
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At sundown we cast out into the sea in search of truths to call our own. Hold your breath for all it will do. In this sunshine I still hear your voice. You're here next to me and my heart breaks. This is where I stumble over my words. This is the last time we said goodbye. These waves will carry me home but they'll never bring you back.
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3. |
Sleep Doesn't Come
02:28
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Stay still. I can't feel my arms. Sleep doesn't come in this muted daylight. Breath doesn't fill these rotting lungs. Climb to the top of the world just to find a place to be alone. Looking up from the bottom at me looking down. My legs sway there in the breeze as death snips at my heels. Sitting on the ledge thinking about the mess we've made. Stay still. I can't feel my legs. Sleep doesn't cover as an act of tenderness. Love doesn't fill this rotting heart. Existing and erasing. Put through the paces. Rejected, eliminated. Discarded and abandoned by this world.
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4. |
Thin Whisperings
02:58
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Calming streams wash right by here. Hemmed in seam. Lost in innocence. Innocuous remembrances cutting twofold what's only been here half as long. Spoken in thin whisperings. Inhaling this truth til we are alone. This bulwark that I've broken down is soon to reappear on this path that I'm beholden to. All it seems I'm forgetting. A clawing need to anesthesize. Falling into the trappings all too familiar of what has been and what could be. This has never been about what's coming for me or finding a way out of this prison of flesh where I'm doomed to be returned. One time I'll even find the strength to face myself. If ever I'm granted the clarity of thought I wouldn't waste it all continuing to be something that I'm not. If this is it, if this is all, that one grain of truth, I'll fight for it. Every claw and tooth.
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5. |
Teeth First
01:52
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Listen as the rain is keeping time for all these years. Witness second hand as these scars collect on you. Teeth first biting through a wave of frost so cold the steam is wicking off your tongue. How fast it's all changed. From the temperature, through to you. It seems all so grave. These walls coming down. Til we saw that all this time what we needed it to be is gone for good. It was made for you but it's gone all the same. Listen as it disappears. It's all as it should be. It didn't need to be anything else.
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6. |
Landlord Song
01:34
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Carrion. Twice as long. Picked apart on the side of the highway. How one comes to suffer so much for a place to sleep. Feasted on skin and bone. This delicate morsel of circumstance. How one comes to suffer so much for a place to sleep and shit.
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7. |
Tethered
01:59
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What would it be like? The smell of cumin and sunshine. Here together forever and for all time. And remember what it's like to be without you. Clutching separate pieces lost the tether yet. Holding the past together. Only sentiments. Never needed never wanted more and nothing less. Hold my breath and suffocate without you. There was a time I smashed my hands upon the shoreline. With every bottle that went straight to my head I'd awaken covered in blood and sweat.
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8. |
Marigolds
03:30
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We've come to these doors and we've thrown them open before. We've thrown them open before. Adaptable as a marigold. Latch on to this feeling. Disappearing fleeting memories of a dream. Throw petals on the bed where I lay. Sticky and sweet and staining my skin. Begging to stay asleep. I'm so close to knowing my part in this and how I'll never fit in it. We've come to pass through. These feelings are not for you anymore. They're not for you anymore. Adaptable as a marigold. Latch on to these feelings. Disappearing fleeting memories of a dream. Throw petals on the bed where I lay. Coming home to watch you bloom. Once so spread out. Once felt so alone. Bundle up these insecurities and leave them all in the past with the person that I was. That I could never be now. Return me to what I thought was center. And hold on to what I'm really after (or how it felt). Leave me to what I will discover without the presumption of youth. Reborn in my own image without those presumptions from you.
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9. |
Wherever You Are
02:22
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Sing me to sleep. Walk me back from this ledge. I'm daydreaming. You're holding me close now and I can't remember what it was I lost. Tell me right now what I'm feeling. Help me explain what is happening to me. It feels so empty and all encompassing. Help me make sense of this hole in the world. Yesterday I didn't need to be dragged whole cloth from out of the dark but today it terrifies me and I hope it's better wherever you are. Now only pictures tell how your smile lit the room. I'm daydreaming. You're saying I'm strong still and I can't remember what it was I thought.
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10. |
Slip
03:51
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Cracking skin. Clinging to these frozen bones. Desperate attempts to change with the seasons. Convictions of the flesh. Held ever so close. And offered without trying to believe in them. Sinking away in the sand. All the things I once felt. Better to watch them go than to hold them all for nothing. I felt it once. But no more. A place anywhere is up for debate. Conditions of the flesh. Held over us all. And offered without the pretense of acceptance. Sinking away in the sand. All the things I once dreamt. Better to watch them go than to hold them all for nothing. And so left with a memory of a moment. And pains taken against this collection of thoughts. Fissures in the walls of your intentions bade me to go. I can't hope to fix. I always knew I'd find you here. The thought of you with me always. Tunnels in my head. I'll find you. I promise. I came alone. Alone we all leave. But what's left behind? Come to me. All that hurt has become something that I can't remember but I can't erase. Come to me. All my hurt. Let it take me in my sleep. Come to me. All my grace. Don't let me slip again.
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11. |
Somewhere Else To Grow
02:48
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Buried like the seeds we forget. No warmth no light no love no tenderness. The soil where we're planted is all we see. Can no longer say if it's nurturing. Need somewhere else to grow. This ground where we've sprouted is smothering and it's safe to say it's not what we need. Need somewhere else to grow. It's all starting to sink in and it's got me worried. I held on so tight it crumbled to dust in my hands. Take me to the place and hold me in the sunshine. Just take me away. I never knew I'd feel so lost and cold ever again. It's sinking in. This dying skin begs to return to the dirt. It comes and goes like the seasons.
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12. |
Every Day Snowfall
02:37
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Creaking along in absence. Throw this body into the machine. Trust in these frozen wheels to carry us wherever we need to be. There's a song that echoes in my head. As the snowfall repeats again and again. Now isn't the time to make amends. When will it be our time to finally begin. Sinking down into this confusion. Pretending to know what this all could mean. The last smile is decreased in value. The next two weeks could be all there could be. If this is the light we've been searching for we have to make it real and take it in our hands. If this is the thing that's going to make this life worth living we've got to hide it in our hearts and never let it die. I deserve this joy I'm feeling. Repeat it again and again.
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13. |
Write Our Own Ending
02:58
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All this time. The story starts the same way. In confusion and screaming. A recognition but not an acceptance. We cling to these forgone conclusions. We had no other option. Sit back and take it while the whole world got us wrong. A world I could see. A place for me in it. It has to be real. It's right there. I'm not really living. Time ticking by. If I'd just reach out and take it. It's right there. All who have bled. All those who've suffered. It's within our reach. It's right there. No turning back now. This love light the way. It's never been so close. It's right there. All this time. We were told we could write our own ending. But never believing. Those actions spoke louder than the truth. We cling to these forgone conclusions. Showed our seats in these spectrums. I belong in this body but it's always been mine for the shaping. A world we can dream. It can be what we make it. It has to be real. It's right there. We're not really living if we're living by default. We can turn these hands forward. It's right there. No more should have to suffer. I can't stand to watch you bleed even when I'm bleeding too. There's no turning back now. We'll face this hand in hand. This could be our last chance and it won't end right here.
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