Ours Is The Cause Most Noble

by Coma Regalia

Leave me be forever or find yourself ripped apart. Set aflame or devoured. I will crush you all under my feet.
Hold on for a sign. Here, where I wanted to be left alone. Soon they will come. The things they expect are many. Will I break apart or can I don that armor once again? Each time seems it will be my last. I wouldn't trade what I've done and where I've been for anything but I wonder if there's still time for this to work on me. Maybe I waited too long to be who I wanted. Or maybe I was wrong and it's OK after all. All this time, I couldn't tell the difference between what it means to be really happy and an act. Will I ever see a way around this? Will I ever get what I need to escape what I am?
Beckon the hand that made them afraid. I did what they couldn't.
One compromise. All there was. All you have. Memory fades so fast. Replaced, but not by chance. Disjoined. Split into parts. Random pieces and half formed thoughts. Grasping for anything and left with just enough to be. This is the lot I've been dealt and it's mine. Just scraping by on what is left in here. Don't know why I thought this could ever change but I would pay any price if you would never see me this way. Terrorized and empty in here. Crushed by the weight of staring at this blank page. Staggering along, sacrifice after next and dying by this thing I'm counting on to set me free.
Formless miles of rock. Hardened by time. Waiting for your touch. I will be the cliche in your hands. I will await your commands. I will be the stone thing. I won't even move. Without a heart. Without a chance to feel anything.
I'm here if by accident. I don't belong, but I'm in love with this place. With what I can do. How it makes me feel. I won't pretend for a second that I don't know I owe it all to you. You saved me from a life ruled by the laws of nature and science. How could I ever repay you for what this has meant? I'll keep doing my best. I may keep falling but I'll keep getting back up.
I know where I came from. Misdeeds most foul. How can I leave but a scar on this place? How can anything good come from something that starts like this? When you kill me to make your children feel safe at night it won't have been all for nothing. When the sun shines across this place I can see it all from my bed. When I finally tear open the shutter that's kept this place so dark I will see it all from right here. Not sure if I'm dying or you just finally broke my spirit but I can't see at all if there's a difference
Weak. Injured. Not left to die but dying nonetheless. These remains are toxic. Let the marker placed serve a warning. There'll be no breath lost over this. I can't watch as the story unfolds. I won't grow new arms to help you carry the load. My skin crawls at the thought of opening that door. And catching just a glimpse of what's going on outside in the world. I'm safe in here. In the dark rotting away. There's so much more left to lose than just my mind. It hardly seems worth it but I ready myself.
Taking whatever I think I'll need I slip into the keep. Don't know who I missed but they're here and they're upon me. A hand reaches from behind and slips the manacles on. It's good. All I've ever been is a thief who craves capture. A story told in reverse. Unfolding all around six times as fast. You never quite start at the end. And when it's over you begin again. Rooting for the words that I need. Have to fill the space just right. Let all this weight crash down. Pin me to this canvas. Paint me the one in your dreams and wake up without a second thought. A reminder bubbles to the surface and peels the end off this masterpiece. Never again will I leave what's mine for the taking. Never again will I expect that you'll understand.
They keep saying they can fix this.
So ready to wake up. Just can't. The opening of one door. The cycle snaps back. An abstract lesson in what I can't have without the sense to stop fighting it. I have done what all your pills can't. Taken these fragments and made something whole. To finish what I never even started. To live with and embrace the parts of me I only ever wanted to melt away. How the many became one. This thing we call right now, it can't be all there is. It can't. It can't compare. All the words there were. All there ever are. They can't. They can't repair what's been done. It's breaking me. It will kill me one day but I just can't let it. Still searching for the one thing that can make me believe in this.


Ours Is The Cause Most Noble

drums, bass, guitars, keys and vocals by shawn michael decker
violin on "the false healer" by ari quinn decker

drawings, layout and printing by s decker
for freedom house press



released July 3, 2015


all rights reserved



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