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Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Episode 200: Edie Quinn w guest host Elias Amini, Demo MMXXIV, Episode 199: Ben Kraco (Depiction of Man), Episode 198: Tracy Wilson (Outer World, Dahlia Seed), Episode 197: Josh McIntyre (Malevich), Episode 196: Ben Rudolph (Stress Positions, C.H.E.W.), Komarov, Episode 195: Lacey Jade (theyhungusfrompowerlines), and 377 more.
1. |
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Who taught you to hate like this?
Venom falling from your lips; explanations as faulty as the lies on which you stand
Claiming good intent, Claiming these are facts, claiming that you meant something other than evil
Does different scare you? Do you feel threatened? How big is a bigot’s God complex?
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2. |
Plural Being
01:48
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This vessel is born and reborn as I inhabit it—constant state of death and decay.
Don’t tell me I’m bound to a past life.
Show me a permanent representation of self.
Dormant death-wish like driving at night with no lights
Lock
Unlock
Should have let the door swing open on the freeway— Now I know you deserved to die
At what age did you start digging your own grave? And when will you lie in it?
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3. |
Them Fatale
01:22
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A wound may heal but a scar still remains.
When we hit rock bottom, we start hitting back.
/Them fatale/
I am imprisoned by the things that bring me comfort
My guts, my glory...Vulnerability is the truest expression or courage.
We deserve better than a narrative of hurt and violence and misandry.
Why I
Why I
Why I speak with venom, forked tongue no trust:
Because you lie, you lie, you lie.
I lie: I’m fine.
I’m fine.
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4. |
Like Courage to a Coward
03:34
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I’m not made to love anyone. I’m too tired to pretend. I worship this suffering, tie its ropes around my wrists just to feel the burn on my skin. I wish I could live 100 lives...at least once I’d get it right.
At least in the closet, it was safe. But I can’t live in a closet; I can’t live in a bubble. Stigma is a disease.
I come undone.
Dysphoric
Euphoric
We deserve better.
I’m not made to love anyone.
Throat opens up to force out fear, feeling breath catch—is this how it ends? Insides feels like falling, body feels like stone— I know I won’t recover, cause this terror feels like home.
I’m home.
I’m surprised I’m still here.
There’s no more down from here, but the bottom’s hitting back and I can’t get up, so I stay suspended. I stay.
Can we really uplift each other if we’re all stuck at the bottom? If we just keep telling ourselves there are reasons—good reasons—maybe we’ll believe it. If we keep pretending we want to be here, that the world wants us here, maybe we’ll believe it.
A bigot’s God complex is so fucking big that everything must be in their image or it must die.
It must die.
So why don’t I die?
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5. |
Negative Space
00:50
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Peel back our skin, revealing sins, these costumes decay like the world we once hid in. To look in the mirror is the hardest of all. I watch myself fall apart, accepting at last what I am underneath it all.
Old ghosts fade, but still they stay. We’re brushing fingers as we pass.
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6. |
Build-a-Bitch
01:42
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I found you waiting in my bedroom, waiting for your turn to cut me open...sort through all my insides, choose what doesn’t look right.
/Build a bitch./
Mix and match pieces to perfection—fix me. Fix me.
This body as a witness: you tried to hang me for your crimes, but now you’ll do the time.
You broke me, but I’ve unlocked the vault and this time, you will hang.
I never thought it would get that far. I never thought I would get this far.
You kicked the fucking hornet’s nest.
Time is the great equalizer. In time, you will pay.
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7. |
Too Heavy to Forgive
02:31
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The warmth of your skin always surprises me. I’ll cling to anything that makes me feel like I’m falling. I cherish the thrill, but the outcome’s always too real to swallow.
I nurse your wounds; you wash your hands. Always starting fights you couldn’t finish—I hope they finish you.
I spent so long trying to figure out who I am...you interrupted the process. Imposed your design, stripped it all away with chemicals and lies. In the lonely hours since, I’ve built a new self. Sometimes, in quiet moments, I remember an older me. I’m afraid that’s my truest self. I carry an anvil of guilt for the things you made me do. They say it’s not my fault, but I think I’m evil too. And how do I know I’m not lying to myself? How do I know I didn’t want it too?
You liar. You animal. You’re disgusting and you deserve to rot. I hope you burn, I hope you hurt, I hope it eats you everyday.
I know you’ll never really pay. What’s the price for taking a life?
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8. |
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Smash my skull into porcelain before I introduce myself: it’s easier for blood stains to precede my empty mouth. Trails of red on milky white.
I always cry until my teeth are aching. I want to pull them from my jaw, return them to your palm to recreate teeth on flesh on lips on pulse. My impulses are too intense to withhold.
This body is so hollow, I’m leaking everything.
If ever a day goes by where I haven’t dug a grave for myself, then I know I’m not awake.
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9. |
Dysmorphia; Dysphoria
01:48
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Do you ever feel wrong in your own skin? Have you ever been so desperately trapped in your own body? Feeling like your skin’s consuming your insides, shrinking with every wash, like suffocating—being eaten alive.
Being shoved beneath the waves again, again, again
Spinning so violently there’s no such thing as up or down—all you know is how to drown
Down the pills, get your fill; drink, smoke, fuck, repeat until you find meaning...but that purpose never comes and the mirror still cracks every time I look back.
This cycle never ends.
Don’t look at me
Don’t look at me
Don’t look at me
I can’t stand to look at myself.
I can’t fucking face myself.
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10. |
Tethered
02:20
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I wish I hadn’t gone home; wish I’d never known. He said, “She’s been in there since Saturday.”
I stopped wanting to die when I saw his face.
There’s no harmless way to kill yourself.
I can’t believe how much I repressed—how could I forget?
Glass: everywhere.
Blood: everywhere.
Vomit: everywhere.
You said it’s my fault.
Bottle hits head; head hits floor. Everything tastes like bleach these days.
There’s no harmless way to do this.
Cement in my lungs to fill the hole you put there. Blood in my mouth washed out by the bleach.
I wish I never went home. If I never went back, maybe I could still forget.
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11. |
Deluded
02:06
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I’m sick, sad, afraid of everything. I’m so scared that one day I’ll wake up and find this was just a dream. My friends, my memories, my love—all gone...and I’ll be alone again. The dark will swallow me whole.
I will move on. I will grow up.
Like finding something you forgot you were looking for. Even now, my heart chokes hoping for something I know will not occur.
My future, my failures, my dreams mean nothing in the face of this regime.
Maybe I won’t leave, but I wish I’d never been here.
I wish I’d never been here.
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